As parents you have huge aspirations for our children right from the start, all of them good and positive, no one would ever want them to grow up to be the next Hitler. So, it can be both a shock to the system as well as a personal hurt if you discover that your child has been bullying somebody else. A lot of parents don’t know what to do. We would like to try and help you with that with a few tips we have learnt along the way.

Don’t Play The Blame Game

This can be a very easy trap to fall into. You immediately want to find a reason why this has happened. Why has your child been accused of being a bully? You want to find the bogeyman within the situation. Unfortunately, bogeyman in bullying are just as fictional as your childhood bullying so you end up blaming a person who shouldn’t be;

You blame yourself — How could you have brought up a child so despicable.
Your blame child — how could they be despicable.
The blame target — why are they lying.
The blame targets parents — how could they bring up a child who lies.
The blame system — They must have turned your child into a devil.

None of these is true. Bullying occurs when a concoction
of circumstances and mindsets collide to create a catastrophic explosion.

Remember Your Angel Can Be A Devil — And A Devil Can Be An Angel.

One of the most common reactions you can get from a parent whose child has been accused of bullying is denial, they cannot believe their angel could do such a heinous thing. It is important to remember that no person is black or white, we are all some shade of grey. We can all put on different masks depending on who we are with. A Young person who is sweet at home could be a nightmare elsewhere. It is possible for the nicest person to be the nastiest in a certain circumstance

Try Understanding Before Disciplining

There are many reasons why people end up bullying.
– They have been bullied themselves (Please note that a lot of bullies were once bullied, but not all targets of bullying become bullies — but that’s a story for another time.)
– They are dealing with something about themselves that they don’t like, and they see that aspect of themselves in another person — I was bullied for eight years under others presumption that I was gay (a presumption that was wrong) I only discovered years later that a number of the people who bullied me, for this reason, had since come out themselves.
– They have a prejudice born out of lack of exposure. — I was once at a training day where we were discussing prejudices, and one of the other people frankly told us that he recognised in himself that he was slightly racist. He knew it was wrong, but the prejudge was there due to growing up in an isolated rural community where he never got be face-to-face with anyone of a different race to himself.

And much more…

There will be a reason why your child is bullying someone, so it is vital that you open up space where your child can open up and explore why they resorted to bullying. Keep in mind, they might not know the reason themselves. The psyche is a complex thing, and this is especially true of the psyche of a child or adolescent. They are still learning how to identify and assimilate emotions, and so the only thing the might be able to identify at first is that they felt the need to be horrible to someone else. Given the space and the equipped with the right tools, they will be able to go on a journey of self-discovery with you to identify what exactly it was that caused them to be a bully.

This doesn’t mean letting them off easy, however. They have still done wrong and need punishing. But, as with all punishment, there is no point if they don’t understand why they are being punished, and both of you being confident that it is unlikely to happen in the future.

Create An Action Plan

It is unlikely that the cause of their behaviour will be neutralised overnight. A good way to make certain they will never bully again is to sit down with them, and anyone else with influence in their lives and make an action plan. Start with what you have discovered to be the cause of their behaviour and work from there. A good place to begin is to have a meeting with the person they targeted and their family — though of course they might not want to, and are well within their rights to say no.

Find something from which your child can grow in understanding of themselves and the world around them. This may be in the form of counselling, or volunteering with a community project or community centre. It may not be something they perhaps will enjoy at first, but it is vital that it is something can develop from.

DON’T PANIC!

This is probably my number one piece of advice, Don’t panic. Don’t stress or scream or shout. Your child is still the person they were yesterday, they are just behaving in a way that is unacceptable. You have not failed as a parent.